How to Use Howlers to Your Advantage
by CharmedArtist
Summary: A selection of oneshots based on howlers and their possibilities. Mostly humorous!
1. Compliment Howlers

The students piled into the Great Hall for another year at Hogwarts, and Harry wasn't the only one overjoyed to see Remus Lupin sitting at the head table. The worn man gave him a soft smile and wave when they made eye contact, and Harry beamed the entire way to his seat.

"Wicked!" Ron exclaimed, sharing an excited grin with his best friend; the Weasley twins were already working on a giant banner in Lupin's honor.

The entire Gryffindor table was sure nothing could dampen their excitement for the rest of the year. They had the best teacher ever back for another year! Even the Slytherins seemed glad to have him back, werewolf or no.

The next morning, however, reality hit them like a bucket of cold water – or the screaming of several irate parents, as the case may be. Professor Lupin just pulled out his wand and calmly cast a muting charm at his ears after the red envelopes burst into outraged screams; the students didn't have as mild a reaction and the letters exploded into scraps of red confetti from the spells levied against them. Lupin gave the hall a gentle smile and cleaned up the shreds with a simple spell; Snape looked like he'd bit into a lemon.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the end of it.

Each day would start with a wave of howlers, and while the students took great satisfaction in using them for practice, they were all upset at the way Lupin didn't seem bothered by them at all, just quietly resigned.

Until one day, one of the howlers was green.

This was so out of the ordinary that none of the students took aim at it, only shooting down the red ones and waiting curiously to see what the green envelope would do.

Reaching the head table, it unfurled in front of Lupin and yelled in a passionate voice, "YOU'RE THE BEST TEACHER WE'VE EVER HAD!" Its message delivered, it burned up in a burst of green flame.

For a second, stunned silence reigned – then an almighty roar filled the hall, all the students appreciating the unexpected turnabout. From then on, the number of red howlers at breakfast was eclipsed by the massive amount of green ones.

"WE LOVE YOUR LESSONS – AND THANK YOU FOR THE CHOCOLATE!" "YOUR CLASS IS THE BEST!" and more; howlers were banned from the hall only once a more daring student sent him a howler saying how hot he was. Through it all, Lupin remained mildly bemused, and they loved him all the more for it.


	2. Battle Howlers

Ducking into the back room of Weasleys Wizard Wheezes, Harry made sure there was no one around before turning his full attention on the curious twins.

"What is it-"

"-our young benefactor needs?"

Harry leaned closer, and they automatically leaned in as well, sensing that whatever Harry was going to ask them for, it would be big.

"I need you to experiment with howlers and see if something would work…"

Exchanging a glance, Fred and George burst into wide grins.

"Knew you had it in you, Harrikins," one said, slapping him on the back while the other twin wiped a tear from his eye.

"We've raised him so well," he said dramatically, throwing his arms around his twin.

"I know, Gred – finally one who takes after us! We've been waiting for this moment for years!"

Harry cleared his throat. "Actually, it's not for a prank…" The heartbroken looks the twins turned on him made him hesitate. "Well, I suppose it could be taken as such…"

"Oh, Harrikins!" The young student was buried in a massive embrace with a strangled "urk".

OoOoO

A year later, Harry Potter took a big breath, clutching the frail item in his hand as he faced the other students of Hogwarts. The forces of Voldemort were massed outside the Hogwarts wards, and it was time to make a stand.

"Ready?" he asked, and a roar of confirmation came back from the gathering. Taking another deep breath, Harry nodded. "Go."

As one all the students turned to the tables they sat at, scribbling furiously on the papers before them. Harry himself took a long look at the other fighters before bending his head to his own sheet of parchment, channeling all his hatred through the blood quill as he wrote down a spell and addressed it to his nemesis. His howler was the first to fly out of the Great Hall towards the army massed outside the wards – but not the last.

Nobody was surprised, later, to find most of the army dead. Cutting curses were remarkably effective at close range, and some Death Eaters were unrecognizable from the number of howlers they'd received.

A/N: Also, no Horcruxes in this oneshot! I don't see why howlers couldn't be made to shoot spells if you added some of your magic to them (which is why they're using blood quills), since they speak with the writer's voice and everything. Imagine Voldemort's disdainfully amused face when a howler flies up to him. "It seems someone is displeased with the current state of events," he remarks dryly and gets his last answering round of laughter before the howler unfurls and ends his life. It's actually a terrifying weapon, when you think about it.


	3. Proposal Howlers

Customers shrieked as an owl winged its way into Weasleys Wizard Wheezes, red envelope held between talons, and George turned with a curious expression.

"Oh, a howler!" he grinned in anticipation, plucking it from the grip of the owl that promptly fled the premises. "I haven't gotten one of these since last week!"

"Who's it from?" a nearby child asked, and George winked at her.

"Let's see, shall we?"

Ripping the envelope open, George tossed the howler into the air.

"GEORGE WEASLEY!" it boomed, and George laughed.

"Darling Angelina," he grinned at the girl by his side. "My beautiful, incredible, indescribable, devious-" a magnified insult questioning his intelligence interrupted him, "-girlfriend."

"Since you won't get your lazy arse into gear and propose, here's _your_ engagement ring," Angelina's booming voice snorted, and the Howler spit out a ring into George's hands. "Marry me, you prat."

With that, the howler burst into flame, leaving behind a grinning Weasley.

"Does that mean I get her last name? George Johnson does have a ring to it…"


	4. Portkey Howlers

"Be careful, Pig," Ron stroked his owl with trembling fingers. "I don't want to lose you, too."

The tiny ball of feathers hooted cheerfully and nipped Ron's finger, then winged its way out the window with two red envelopes held tightly between talons.

"Don't die," Ron whispered, but the owl was long gone.

For hours it flew, tiring but not giving up, not when it could feel the letters' recipients were close, not when its owner had finally returned and given it something to do, and with a last burst of strength Pigwidgeon flapped into Malfoy Manor.

"What's this?" Bellatrix Lestrange asked, snatching the diminutive owl out of the air. It squeaked, tightening its hold on the letters, and the madwoman peered at them. "Howlers?" A grin rent her face. "For ickle babies Potter and Granger. Ah, it's very naughty to read people's mail behind their backs," she sang, clutching the owl in her hand as she turned towards the dungeons. "Let's see who wants to yell at the ickle children, shall we?"

Pigwidgeon hooted in discomfort, but the mad lady just took it as agreement. "Yes, let's get all the babies in one room – plenty of howler to go around," she snickered, getting the guards to drag 'baby Potter' into the cell of his friends.

"Now, go on, deliver the things," Bellatrix tossed Pig into the air, and with a relieved hoot he darted forward to hand over the two letters.

Hermione shared an uneasy look with Harry, then started when Luna's chin landed on her shoulder.

"Go on, open it," the blonde said, her high tone curious, and the two complied.

"SAY HOME," the voice of Ron Weasley boomed, and Harry stuttered, "Home?" before disappearing with the whooshing sound of a portkey.

"Home!" Hermione screamed as Bellatrix lunged at her, immediately feeling the hook behind her navel and falling to the ground with Luna half on top of her.

"Oof," a voice said, and Hermione spun in alarm to see Ollivander lying beside them, his frail hand firmly held in Luna's.

"Hermione! Harry!" Ron's voice cried nearby, and Hermione scrambled up from the ground to run towards him.

"Brilliant, Ron, brilliant," she laughed, relief making her lightheaded as he caught her. "You got us all, I can't believe it-"

"-and right under Bellatrix Lestrange's nose, too-"

"Pigwidgeon!" Hermione cried suddenly, pulling out of Ron's arms to look around in alarm, "Did he make it? Oh no, what if she got him?" she moaned, sinking to the ground, and Luna's hand came to rest on her shoulder.

"He's smaller than a Kimdinger; he'll be fine," she said, and Hermione couldn't for the life of her say why she found that so reassuring.

"Luna!" Ron cried, sweeping up the missing blonde in a hug that the girl returned hesitantly, patting him on the back as though she wasn't used to hugs. Hermione resolved to hug her often in the future.

"Ah, thank you, Mister Potter," the reedy voice of Ollivander drifted over, and Hermione looked to see Harry helping the old man up off the ground. "Might I inquire as to where we are?"

"The Burrow, of course," Ron grinned, just as pops heralded the arrival of members of the Order. "Home."


End file.
